Fat Girl,

Perceptions, boundaries, and relationships.

August 26, 2014 5 Comments

Am I worth­less to you now that I’m not a Chris­t­ian? Am I some­how less-than-human, with­out feel­ing, with­out moral­i­ty, with­out any good thing? Does my lack of belief mean that I am the dark­ness with whom you can have no fel­low­ship? Am I com­plete­ly lack­ing light just because we dis­agree?

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Robin Williams is dead, and I’m not okay.

August 12, 2014 10 Comments

Con­tent note: frank dis­cus­sion of sui­cide, abuse, dis­or­dered eat­ing.

It is August 11, 2014, and a voice, a face, of my child­hood, is gone. I am shocked, and read on to find what has tak­en such a man from the world.

And there it is: sui­cide.

I am 6. I am 9. I am 12, 13, 18, 25, 27. I con­tain all of me, the sad­ness and shame and fear of an admit­ted­ly small life­time, and all of me is griev­ing the loss of one who couldn’t fight the sad­ness any­more.

It was nev­er a phase. It was nev­er self­ish­ness. It was nev­er a ploy for atten­tion. I was nev­er a fail­ure. I must tell myself these things, over and over and over, and I must tell you, too.

Because Robin Williams is dead, and I am not okay.

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Pain demands to be felt.

June 7, 2014 0 Comments
Image from beliefnet.

I just watched The Fault in Our Stars and I’m hav­ing feel­ings about my dad who is dying (slow­ly) of can­cer.

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Thinking about fatness and self-injury and mental health.

June 2, 2014 6 Comments

Con­tent note: talk of self-injury, body image, and sex­u­al assault after the jump.

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In which I realize how bad my assault was.

May 5, 2014 0 Comments

Some­times I down­play my col­lege assault, but maybe I should stop gaslight­ing myself. Trig­ger warn­ing for descrip­tion of sex­u­al assault after the jump.

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Learning to trust myself: intellectual honesty, appealing to authority, & deconverting from Christianity.

April 8, 2014 16 Comments

The rea­son I don’t have a con­crete answer to how I decon­vert­ed is that I feel like I still am decon­vert­ing, that it’s a process I’ll go through for many years. But the turn­ing point (I wouldn’t say the start­ing point) is that I couldn’t man­u­fac­ture belief any­more, despite spend­ing my whole life up until that point ful­ly ded­i­cat­ed to Christ. I had to let it go in order to pre­serve my intel­lec­tu­al integri­ty.

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The Sad, Sad Story of A Really Nice Guy.

March 7, 2014 14 Comments

He was A Real­ly Nice Guy. He couldn’t pos­si­bly unknow­ing­ly sup­port dis­crim­i­na­tion or ben­e­fit from it.

Could he?

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Rambling into the void.

December 31, 2013 0 Comments

Avoid as nec­es­sary. Trig­ger warn­ings like whoa. Noth­ing to see here.

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The passing of a mentor.

October 30, 2013 2 Comments

One of my favourite art teach­ers of all time died yes­ter­day evening after bat­tling can­cer for just over a year. I was for­tu­nate to be able to com­mu­ni­cate the fol­low­ing to him before he died, but I want­ed to share with every­one else as a trib­ute to him.

Here’s to you, Mike Slat­tery, enthu­si­as­tic artist, kind-heart­ed soul, best of men.

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Halloween as a deconverted former fundamentalist.

October 13, 2013 2 Comments

Michael and I went into a Hal­loween shop today.

I’d nev­er been in a Hal­loween shop before, and it was an eye-open­ing expe­ri­ence.

I was real­ly sur­prised to see so many lit­tle kids every­where — and not a sin­gle one of them cry­ing or scared. These kids…they clear­ly could sep­a­rate fic­tion from real­i­ty in a way that I couldn’t at their age. In a way that I couldn’t as a young adult. I envied this abil­i­ty they had that I’m still work­ing on devel­op­ing. I envied their lack of fear, their pure delight, their rea­son­ing skills.

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