Fat Girl,

Never.

January 15, 2018 1 Comment

Two years ago this month, I left my hus­band, short­ly before telling him he had 2 weeks to get out of the house for good. It’s been a very long two years, full of pain and strug­gle and free­dom and con­fu­sion and find­ing myself. And find­ing words.

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The Process of Being.

April 16, 2017 0 Comments

This Sat­ur­day, April 22, I will turn 30 years old. (Want to help me cel­e­brate?)

Frankly, this ter­ri­fies me.

All my life, I nev­er envi­sioned myself liv­ing past the age of 28. I fig­ured that either the rap­ture would have occurred, or I would have killed myself. So you’d think 29 would have been my all-out pan­ic year, but I spent 29 deal­ing with a lot of oth­er things.

Now, with 30 at my doorstep, I’m caught in its head­lights, await­ing its impact with an ever-increas­ing sense of dread.

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Haikus with Dani: Coercion

March 17, 2017 0 Comments

Con­tent note: rape

St. Patrick’s Day will nev­er be the same for me. This whole week has been noth­ing but hell­ish mem­o­ry almost every wak­ing moment. I’m so grate­ful for the friends and fam­i­ly who have spent time with me to make sure I’m not alone and that I’m safe.

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Haikus With Dani: overwhelmed; overwhelming.

February 28, 2017 0 Comments

Brought to you by intense intro­spec­tion dur­ing a sea­son of trau­mat­ic anniver­saries. I’ve been think­ing a lot about how to describe my men­tal health strug­gles, and I think I touched on a cou­ple of things pret­ty well here.

i do not mean to
over­whelm you. i sim­ply
over­whelm myself.

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Haikus with Dani: In Which There Is No Room.

January 26, 2017 0 Comments

It’s been a full year since I broke up with my spouse. A very hard year, if you recall. I’ve spent a lot of time try­ing to process things as best as I can, and that often looks like dis­till­ing emo­tions into haikus. Some­thing about the struc­ture and lim­i­ta­tion seems to lend itself well to express­ing myself in suc­cinct and pow­er­ful ways (much like how Twitter’s char­ac­ter lim­it can help focus one’s thoughts).

I don’t real­ly want to offer com­men­tary on this. There is so much I am still pro­cess­ing. But it feels impor­tant to share it, and to share it now. And one of my goals is to lis­ten to my intu­ition far more than I’ve been able to in the past.

One thing I will say is this: it’s a ter­ri­fy­ing time in our coun­try right now. To be a woman, not white, not straight, not healthy in body and mind. Most of my friend group — myself includ­ed — are fight­ing the creep­ing despair as we watch this new admin­is­tra­tion work so hard to make our lives at best uncom­fort­able and at worst nonex­is­tent. It’s easy to not take care of your­self in an effort to remain informed, to know what fresh hell awaits every morn­ing.

But the lit­tle things mat­ter. Lit­tle things like remem­ber­ing to eat. Check­ing in with friends. Ask­ing peo­ple to check in on you. Kiss­ing your loved ones. Snug­gling your pets. Or even dar­ing to sim­ply take up space.

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As dumpster fires go.

December 31, 2016 0 Comments

I’ve been sit­ting here for a good 10 min­utes, just star­ing at the screen. Occa­sion­al­ly typ­ing a sen­tence or two, then delet­ing. The words I want to say aren’t words I feel I can say yet, and so I choose to be silent. Much like I have most of this year, if you’ve noticed. On…

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Cognitive distortion and taking up space.

November 3, 2016 2 Comments

My brain is spin­ning with thoughts and con­ver­sa­tions over the past weeks, the cul­mi­na­tion of almost a year’s worth of intro­spec­tion and mourn­ing. “I looked through the jour­nal sec­tion of your blog and noticed you haven’t real­ly writ­ten late­ly,” a friend not­ed. No. I haven’t. I’ve been afraid, frankly. With some good rea­son and prob­a­bly…

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Haikus With Dani: JerkBrain Edition.

June 21, 2016 2 Comments

There’s a lot going on in my life. I’ve deac­ti­vat­ed my Twit­ter for a lit­tle bit. Vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty is ter­ri­fy­ing, but it’s eas­i­er to be vul­ner­a­ble to an amor­phous mass of peo­ple than talk to any­one in par­tic­u­lar about what’s been hap­pen­ing, even the things that are only hap­pen­ing inside my own head. There­fore, you’re get­ting more of my depress­ing frag­ments of dia­logue, this time brought to you by my very own Jerk­Brain.

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Haikus With Dani: Existential Edition

May 16, 2016 1 Comment

I’ve been rather exis­ten­tial late­ly. I mean, I usu­al­ly am any­way. But back to the “it’s hard to explain in any­thing except shards of thought” kind of exis­ten­tial. So. The con­tents of these haikus will like­ly turn into blog posts at some point. But for now, I serve them to you as the frag­ments they are.

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The Stories We Tell: Purity Culture and Shame.

April 1, 2016 7 Comments

I had a very eye-open­ing con­ver­sa­tion with my mom recent­ly.

We were talk­ing about my mar­riage to my ex, and she asked me if her hunch was cor­rect that I’d have mar­ried him any­way if my par­ents hadn’t giv­en us per­mis­sion. (You see, in our iter­a­tion of puri­ty cul­ture, even as a 22-year-old adult, I need­ed my par­ents’ per­mis­sion to mar­ry.)

I thought a moment and answered hon­est­ly: yes, I would have still mar­ried him. Then I clar­i­fied, “I hon­est­ly thought I had to.”

You didn’t get that from us!” Mom respond­ed in aston­ished con­fu­sion. “You don’t have to mar­ry some­one just because you slept with them.

Let me state up front: that’s an entire­ly true state­ment. I agree with it 100%.

And yet it was my turn to be shocked.

Because that state­ment flew in the face the entire nar­ra­tive of my first 20+ years of life..

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