Fat Girl,

Never.

January 15, 2018 1 Comment

Two years ago this month, I left my hus­band, short­ly before telling him he had 2 weeks to get out of the house for good. It’s been a very long two years, full of pain and strug­gle and free­dom and con­fu­sion and find­ing myself. And find­ing words.

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As dumpster fires go.

December 31, 2016 0 Comments

I’ve been sit­ting here for a good 10 min­utes, just star­ing at the screen. Occa­sion­al­ly typ­ing a sen­tence or two, then delet­ing. The words I want to say aren’t words I feel I can say yet, and so I choose to be silent. Much like I have most of this year, if you’ve noticed. On…

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Online as in person: basic etiquette, boundaries, & choosing your own team.

November 26, 2014 1 Comment

With the advent of social media, I’ve found that such inter­ac­tions are no longer rel­e­gat­ed to hol­i­days and reunions, but are now part of our every­day dig­i­tal lives. What sur­pris­es me more often than not, though, is the atti­tude with which peo­ple approach social media. In recent days alone, I’ve heard that block­ing some­one on social media is nar­row-mind­ed, pri­vate walls are pub­lic forums where all opin­ions ought to have equal air time, and online inter­ac­tions aren’t real life so every­one needs to just calm down.

Per­haps I’m a bit a biased, con­sid­er­ing the sheer num­ber of friends I’ve made through online-only inter­ac­tions, but in my expe­ri­ence and from my obser­va­tions, online life is real life. It’s an unavoid­able part of life in the 21st cen­tu­ry, and it amazes me that some seem to think online inter­ac­tions sud­den­ly stop hav­ing mean­ing because they’re hap­pen­ing on a screen rather than face to face. It’s as if being phys­i­cal­ly removed from a per­son gives one license to ignore bound­aries and assume a far clos­er rela­tion­ship to peo­ple than actu­al­ly exists.

This sort of thing is incred­i­bly famil­iar to me, hav­ing spent 25+ years in a cul­ture that total­ly ignores bound­aries and con­sent in per­son (let alone online). This fur­ther solid­i­fies in my mind that the same basic eti­quette you ought to show to some­one in per­son is how you should treat peo­ple online.

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Grieving as the only atheist at the funeral.

November 23, 2014 1 Comment

My Mamaw died this past week. It wasn’t alto­geth­er unex­pect­ed — she’d been in the hos­pi­tal with pneu­mo­nia and var­i­ous com­pli­ca­tions relat­ed to it for a few weeks. But she’d been get­ting bet­ter. She’d been tak­en out of the ICU. There was a plan for her recov­ery. But she died, which just…wasn’t part of the plan. The…

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Pain demands to be felt.

June 7, 2014 0 Comments
Image from beliefnet.

I just watched The Fault in Our Stars and I’m hav­ing feel­ings about my dad who is dying (slow­ly) of can­cer.

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Halloween as a deconverted former fundamentalist.

October 13, 2013 2 Comments

Michael and I went into a Hal­loween shop today.

I’d nev­er been in a Hal­loween shop before, and it was an eye-open­ing expe­ri­ence.

I was real­ly sur­prised to see so many lit­tle kids every­where — and not a sin­gle one of them cry­ing or scared. These kids…they clear­ly could sep­a­rate fic­tion from real­i­ty in a way that I couldn’t at their age. In a way that I couldn’t as a young adult. I envied this abil­i­ty they had that I’m still work­ing on devel­op­ing. I envied their lack of fear, their pure delight, their rea­son­ing skills.

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Random thoughts and fears in the wake of public deconversion.

July 31, 2013 1 Comment

Maybe I should have just kept pre­tend­ing to be a Chris­t­ian. You know, for the rest of my life. Because lying for­ev­er can’t pos­si­bly go wrong.

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Introspection on depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and life.

November 9, 2012 0 Comments

What’s so wrong with atten­tion? Does my wast­ing body not tell you about my wast­ing soul? Do the scars on my arms and legs not tell you about the scars on my soul? For the girl with the words, the girl who was going to write books some day, I nev­er ever had the words for the pain. And I still don’t, even though I’ve long left the starv­ing and cut­ting.

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A strong legacy.

May 29, 2012 0 Comments

Mom,

You know how you always say that a let­ter is bet­ter than a gift, because it’s some­thing you can read over and over again through the years? Well, I thought that maybe I’d make my let­ter to you pub­lic, so oth­er peo­ple can enjoy how awe­some you are, too.

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Hershel.

January 8, 2011 0 Comments

My grand­fa­ther passed away this morn­ing. He died in his reclin­er, cof­fee cup beside him, half-emp­ty pack­et of tobac­co stick­ing out of his pock­et (with a wad in his mouth), watch­ing the WVU pre-game. Heart attack — his fourth one, though first in over a decade. He was 78 years old.

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