Fat Girl,

The Process of Being.

April 16, 2017 0 Comments

This Sat­ur­day, April 22, I will turn 30 years old. (Want to help me cel­e­brate?)

Frankly, this ter­ri­fies me.

All my life, I nev­er envi­sioned myself liv­ing past the age of 28. I fig­ured that either the rap­ture would have occurred, or I would have killed myself. So you’d think 29 would have been my all-out pan­ic year, but I spent 29 deal­ing with a lot of oth­er things.

Now, with 30 at my doorstep, I’m caught in its head­lights, await­ing its impact with an ever-increas­ing sense of dread.

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Haikus With Dani: overwhelmed; overwhelming.

February 28, 2017 0 Comments

Brought to you by intense intro­spec­tion dur­ing a sea­son of trau­mat­ic anniver­saries. I’ve been think­ing a lot about how to describe my men­tal health strug­gles, and I think I touched on a cou­ple of things pret­ty well here.

i do not mean to
over­whelm you. i sim­ply
over­whelm myself.

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As dumpster fires go.

December 31, 2016 0 Comments

I’ve been sit­ting here for a good 10 min­utes, just star­ing at the screen. Occa­sion­al­ly typ­ing a sen­tence or two, then delet­ing. The words I want to say aren’t words I feel I can say yet, and so I choose to be silent. Much like I have most of this year, if you’ve noticed. On…

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Cognitive distortion and taking up space.

November 3, 2016 2 Comments

My brain is spin­ning with thoughts and con­ver­sa­tions over the past weeks, the cul­mi­na­tion of almost a year’s worth of intro­spec­tion and mourn­ing. “I looked through the jour­nal sec­tion of your blog and noticed you haven’t real­ly writ­ten late­ly,” a friend not­ed. No. I haven’t. I’ve been afraid, frankly. With some good rea­son and prob­a­bly…

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Haikus With Dani: JerkBrain Edition.

June 21, 2016 2 Comments

There’s a lot going on in my life. I’ve deac­ti­vat­ed my Twit­ter for a lit­tle bit. Vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty is ter­ri­fy­ing, but it’s eas­i­er to be vul­ner­a­ble to an amor­phous mass of peo­ple than talk to any­one in par­tic­u­lar about what’s been hap­pen­ing, even the things that are only hap­pen­ing inside my own head. There­fore, you’re get­ting more of my depress­ing frag­ments of dia­logue, this time brought to you by my very own Jerk­Brain.

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On treating depression.

August 3, 2015 8 Comments

I’ve been on anti-depres­sants for about 2 months. On the one hand, I’ve been far more pro­duc­tive than I’ve known it pos­si­ble to be in my life. I’ve been able to work on clean­ing and orga­niz­ing my house. I’ve been able to do laun­dry. I’ve been able to write and make art and live a…

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Celebrate the little victories.

July 3, 2015 2 Comments

These are such small things. Such lit­tle vic­to­ries. What right have I to cel­e­brate them?

The same right I have to cel­e­brate the vic­to­ries of all of my friends and fam­i­ly who deal with chron­ic ill­ness­es, phys­i­cal and men­tal. Small vic­to­ries are vic­to­ries. Med­ica­tion that allows me to escape the nev­er-end­ing cycle of pan­ic is use­ful. Wrap­ping myself in soft, warm cloth is calm­ing and sooth­ing. Touch­ing my skin and putting make­up on with gen­tle, lov­ing hands is cru­cial on days where I strug­gle to love myself. Such a short amount of time of my day, and yet now I am calm. I can think. I am okay.

Cel­e­brate the lit­tle vic­to­ries. Always, cel­e­brate the lit­tle vic­to­ries.

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No more faith: the whys and why nots of my deconversion.

December 31, 2014 22 Comments

It’s real­ly rather rare for peo­ple to ask me why I decon­vert­ed from Chris­tian­i­ty. Like, real­ly rare. It’s far more com­mon for them to assume they already know, whether they’re talk­ing to me while they’re express­ing this assump­tion or not. How­ev­er, in a sin­gle week, I’ve had two sep­a­rate unaf­fil­i­at­ed peo­ple ask me a vari­a­tion of the same ques­tion about the role fun­da­men­tal­ism had in my decon­ver­sion. Of course, I’ve been try­ing to fig­ure this out for myself on a less-spe­cif­ic scale for the bet­ter part of two years, though much of it has been in my own head. Per­haps it’s time for me to work out of my thoughts here with you.

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Lessons learned at the Fortress of Faith: Part 2.

August 13, 2014 2 Comments

The atmos­phere and its com­plete per­me­ation of BJU dorm stu­dent life is impor­tant because of the nec­es­sary iso­la­tion it engen­dered. There was sim­ply no way of know­ing who was fol­low­ing the rules because they believed them to be right, and who was just try­ing to keep their head down long enough to get out as unscathed as pos­si­ble.

Not with­out open­ing your­self up in ways that could have pret­ty seri­ous con­se­quences.

That made it all the more pre­cious when peo­ple would acci­den­tal­ly let slip that they were a nor­mal per­son try­ing to get by, just like me. These moments were quite rare, but absolute­ly sacred — mem­o­rable if for noth­ing else than the brief sol­i­dar­i­ty they brought.

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Robin Williams is dead, and I’m not okay.

August 12, 2014 10 Comments

Con­tent note: frank dis­cus­sion of sui­cide, abuse, dis­or­dered eat­ing.

It is August 11, 2014, and a voice, a face, of my child­hood, is gone. I am shocked, and read on to find what has tak­en such a man from the world.

And there it is: sui­cide.

I am 6. I am 9. I am 12, 13, 18, 25, 27. I con­tain all of me, the sad­ness and shame and fear of an admit­ted­ly small life­time, and all of me is griev­ing the loss of one who couldn’t fight the sad­ness any­more.

It was nev­er a phase. It was nev­er self­ish­ness. It was nev­er a ploy for atten­tion. I was nev­er a fail­ure. I must tell myself these things, over and over and over, and I must tell you, too.

Because Robin Williams is dead, and I am not okay.

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