Fat Girl,

The Process of Being.

April 16, 2017 0 Comments

This Sat­ur­day, April 22, I will turn 30 years old. (Want to help me cel­e­brate?)

Frankly, this ter­ri­fies me.

All my life, I nev­er envi­sioned myself liv­ing past the age of 28. I fig­ured that either the rap­ture would have occurred, or I would have killed myself. So you’d think 29 would have been my all-out pan­ic year, but I spent 29 deal­ing with a lot of oth­er things.

Now, with 30 at my doorstep, I’m caught in its head­lights, await­ing its impact with an ever-increas­ing sense of dread.

Read More

Haikus With Dani: overwhelmed; overwhelming.

February 28, 2017 0 Comments

Brought to you by intense intro­spec­tion dur­ing a sea­son of trau­mat­ic anniver­saries. I’ve been think­ing a lot about how to describe my men­tal health strug­gles, and I think I touched on a cou­ple of things pret­ty well here.

i do not mean to
over­whelm you. i sim­ply
over­whelm myself.

Read More

As dumpster fires go.

December 31, 2016 0 Comments

I’ve been sit­ting here for a good 10 min­utes, just star­ing at the screen. Occa­sion­al­ly typ­ing a sen­tence or two, then delet­ing. The words I want to say aren’t words I feel I can say yet, and so I choose to be silent. Much like I have most of this year, if you’ve noticed. On…

Read More

Cognitive distortion and taking up space.

November 3, 2016 2 Comments

My brain is spin­ning with thoughts and con­ver­sa­tions over the past weeks, the cul­mi­na­tion of almost a year’s worth of intro­spec­tion and mourn­ing. “I looked through the jour­nal sec­tion of your blog and noticed you haven’t real­ly writ­ten late­ly,” a friend not­ed. No. I haven’t. I’ve been afraid, frankly. With some good rea­son and prob­a­bly…

Read More

Haikus With Dani: JerkBrain Edition.

June 21, 2016 2 Comments

There’s a lot going on in my life. I’ve deac­ti­vat­ed my Twit­ter for a lit­tle bit. Vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty is ter­ri­fy­ing, but it’s eas­i­er to be vul­ner­a­ble to an amor­phous mass of peo­ple than talk to any­one in par­tic­u­lar about what’s been hap­pen­ing, even the things that are only hap­pen­ing inside my own head. There­fore, you’re get­ting more of my depress­ing frag­ments of dia­logue, this time brought to you by my very own Jerk­Brain.

Read More

On treating depression.

August 3, 2015 8 Comments

I’ve been on anti-depres­sants for about 2 months. On the one hand, I’ve been far more pro­duc­tive than I’ve known it pos­si­ble to be in my life. I’ve been able to work on clean­ing and orga­niz­ing my house. I’ve been able to do laun­dry. I’ve been able to write and make art and live a…

Read More

Celebrate the little victories.

July 3, 2015 2 Comments

These are such small things. Such lit­tle vic­to­ries. What right have I to cel­e­brate them?

The same right I have to cel­e­brate the vic­to­ries of all of my friends and fam­i­ly who deal with chron­ic ill­ness­es, phys­i­cal and men­tal. Small vic­to­ries are vic­to­ries. Med­ica­tion that allows me to escape the nev­er-end­ing cycle of pan­ic is use­ful. Wrap­ping myself in soft, warm cloth is calm­ing and sooth­ing. Touch­ing my skin and putting make­up on with gen­tle, lov­ing hands is cru­cial on days where I strug­gle to love myself. Such a short amount of time of my day, and yet now I am calm. I can think. I am okay.

Cel­e­brate the lit­tle vic­to­ries. Always, cel­e­brate the lit­tle vic­to­ries.

Read More

Introspection: the impact of religion on personality.

December 11, 2014 10 Comments

When I first took the Myers-Brig­gs per­son­al­i­ty test, still thor­ough­ly embed­ded in the fun­da­men­tal­ist Chris­t­ian tra­di­tion of my youth, I scored as an INTJ, rather than an INFJ. In ret­ro­spect, it’s no won­der I skewed more heav­i­ly to Think­ing rather than Feel­ing, since I was taught to fear and dis­trust feel­ings. Feel­ings were often con­sid­ered sin­ful, bring­ing guilt and shame, where­as Log­ic (Accord­ing to the Word of God) was holy and true, bring­ing sta­bil­i­ty (sup­pos­ed­ly). I didn’t under­stand that divorc­ing feel­ings from think­ing the way I had been taught to do was utter­ly dam­ag­ing both to myself and oth­ers, not to men­tion rip­ping con­ver­sa­tion­al rhetoric out of its con­text and real­i­ty.

The thing is, I could nev­er total­ly erad­i­cate my Feel­ings.

Read More

Lessons learned at the Fortress of Faith, Part 1.

August 8, 2014 0 Comments

What start­ed as a sur­vival tac­tic to escape the para­noia that Bob Jones Uni­ver­si­ty instilled in me turned into a con­fi­dent deter­mi­na­tion to con­trol as much of my life as pos­si­ble. It revealed my inde­pen­dent spir­it, and for that I am thank­ful.

Read More

Lessons learned at the Fortress of Faith: An Introduction.

August 6, 2014 4 Comments

I thought that the hard­est thing about being at BJU was going to be just learn­ing how to fol­low an amaz­ing­ly ridicu­lous set of rules — and frankly, I thought I had that cov­ered. I grew up in a con­ser­v­a­tive Chris­t­ian school where BJU groups vis­it­ed for recruit­ment pur­pos­es. I was usu­al­ly one of the good kids, so I thought BJU was going to be a col­lege-ver­sion of my high school. No big deal.

Boy, was I wrong.

Read More